David Moyes Doesn’t Skincare
01 April 2014
Moyes is set to take advantage of his dismal record as manager of Manchester
United by releasing a pro-ageing skincare-less range, entitled Clueless. Young
people who want to look old and haggard but have no chance of gaining
employment with a top premier league club rejoice.
Featuring a variety of clays and sticky substances, the
football manager’s debut line of anti-beauty products has been developed with
some of the cement industry’s most innovative scientists. When applied, these
adhesive products will trick the skin into thinking it covers someone who has
just followed one of British football’s greatest ever managers – who won
everything playing an exciting brand of football – and is now unable to
motivate the same players or show any tactical nous. A press release read, “The
skin will be tricked into thinking it is David Moyes, instantly drying and
wrinkling the skin, adding that undesirable extra twenty years.”
"Moyes said he wasn’t sure if the new range would take off"
Despite working with the industry’s top brickies – many of
whom have built some very tall walls - Moyes said he wasn’t sure if the new
range would take off, but hopes it will “do its best in the circumstances” and
has “better plans for future products.” He did reveal however that “working
with a team of mixers was worse than he thought it would be” and admitted to
having “no idea” what he was doing, what they were doing, where he was, and
being very scared... Although he did claim that "even Nick Knowles would have struggled." He also blamed retailers ahead of the release for failing
to accrue enough sales, despite the products not damaging shelves for another 3
As part of a dour launch event in an abandoned warehouse in
Salford, organisers had arranged for Manchester United wingers Ashley Young and
Antonio Valencia to cross footballs (branded with product images) in, allowing
Danny Wellbeck to head into an empty net from less than 10 yards out. Three
hours and 657 crosses later, only 23 had actually reached the striker whose
closest ballooned effort was recorded as 17 yards above the crossbar – Moyes
commented he was on the right track.
Moyes was overheard
telling one attendee that he is sure that the failure of this product will make
future products much tougher on skin, predicting a pro-ageing cream of 30 years
– although industry insiders fear that his performance as manager of Manchester United is so bad that its more likely that he will be relieved of his duties and
return to looking his normal age, with the quickly ageing Tim Sherwood the
frontrunner to become the ‘face’ of future products.
Tell us what you
think about this new product by tweeting us using the handle @Click_Fragrance and the hashtag
Will you be buying David Moyes Clueless for yourself?