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David Moyes Doesn’t Skincare

01 April 2014

David Moyes is set to take advantage of his dismal record as manager of Manchester United by releasing a pro-ageing skincare-less range, entitled Clueless. Young people who want to look old and haggard but have no chance of gaining employment with a top premier league club rejoice.

Featuring a variety of clays and sticky substances, the football manager’s debut line of anti-beauty products has been developed with some of the cement industry’s most innovative scientists. When applied, these adhesive products will trick the skin into thinking it covers someone who has just followed one of British football’s greatest ever managers – who won everything playing an exciting brand of football – and is now unable to motivate the same players or show any tactical nous. A press release read, “The skin will be tricked into thinking it is David Moyes, instantly drying and wrinkling the skin, adding that undesirable extra twenty years.”

"Moyes said he wasn’t sure if the new range would take off"

Despite working with the industry’s top brickies – many of whom have built some very tall walls - Moyes said he wasn’t sure if the new range would take off, but hopes it will “do its best in the circumstances” and has “better plans for future products.” He did reveal however that “working with a team of mixers was worse than he thought it would be” and admitted to having “no idea” what he was doing, what they were doing, where he was, and being very scared... Although he did claim that "even Nick Knowles would have struggled." He also blamed retailers ahead of the release for failing to accrue enough sales, despite the products not damaging shelves for another 3 weeks.

As part of a dour launch event in an abandoned warehouse in Salford, organisers had arranged for Manchester United wingers Ashley Young and Antonio Valencia to cross footballs (branded with product images) in, allowing Danny Wellbeck to head into an empty net from less than 10 yards out. Three hours and 657 crosses later, only 23 had actually reached the striker whose closest ballooned effort was recorded as 17 yards above the crossbar – Moyes commented he was on the right track.

Moyes was overheard telling one attendee that he is sure that the failure of this product will make future products much tougher on skin, predicting a pro-ageing cream of 30 years – although industry insiders fear that his performance as manager of Manchester United is so bad that its more likely that he will be relieved of his duties and return to looking his normal age, with the quickly ageing Tim Sherwood the frontrunner to become the ‘face’ of future products.

Tell us what you think about this new product by tweeting us using the handle @Click_Fragrance and the hashtag #CluelessMoyes. Will you be buying David Moyes Clueless for yourself?

Source: Liverpool Supporter Who Works In The Office

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